FACING FEAR...

I have fears... big ones, little ones, medium sized ones... served up like different size fries you order at McD's... "hi, ummm... i'll take the x-small fears please".

I have always been one that has been excessively afraid of a lot of things, from canned tuna and mayo to roller coasters, small fingers getting slammed in doors, teenagers, traffic jams under overpasses, halloween music, throwing up, clowns, escalators on the way down, and trips to the OB/GYN. The dark was always frightening to me, which is why my sister Katie Boo and I always shared the top bunk of our twin bunk beds. Seriously, till I was 17, when I moved out and had to sleep in my own bed in California, it was a traumatic transition to not have the boo by my side. I am not sure if it was the dark I was afraid of, or more of what I couldn't see in the dark, or what I might see... a ghost? I was scared of those too. Still am...

Then there are the serious things, stuff I don't even like to speak of or talk about out loud, the thoughts that torment my mind, what if's, worst case scenarios... generally involving loved ones, actually always including loved ones. Even the slightest idea of loss, or them getting hurt, physically, emotionally, spiritually is enough to create insta-puddles in my eye balls.  These terrible inner torments can wake me just fifteen minutes into a mid-day Sunday nap. That is when it seems to strike, woken by the intense thud of my heartbeat beneath my chest, nearly to an audible level, like an internal fire alarm. The sound of anxiety... knowing that in life we are all vulnerable to such things.

Way back when, over the Christmas holiday, I came face to face with a fear, not the serious kind I spoke of before, but a medium sized-not so serious-but still quite scary kind of fear. My job requires me to do a  fairly daunting thing on the regular, something that most people avoid like the plague, and for good reason... singing, performing, speaking and entertaining people is a really freaky thing.

Yes, it is a job that pretty much causes anxiety to reside permanently in the pit of my tummy. The kind that makes you feel like you might need to run to the bathroom real quick. Sounds fun doesn't it? It is... sorta.

I've always believed that I would never be able to sing the National Anthem. Not because of a lack of patriotism, indeed I'm proud to be an American but quite frankly the song scared the crap out of me to sing, (as does "oh holy night").  I have always sincerely believed with all my heart, that my 4-note ranged rhaspy vocalizer lacked the chops and capability to sing the it in a way that is honorable and respectful to the tune in front of stadiums of people... acapella.

Not to mention, in this day in age, if you mess it up, it's on the YouTube forever. (Kinda like this video that David Cook showed to me when we were on Idol, I'm sorry, no disrespect, bless the  heart of Carl Lewis, I find it amazing, and it has cheered me up on many sad days)

I have been asked to sing the Star Spangle banner probably close to twenty times at some pretty legit sporting events that would allow me national television exposure and Dave Ray CPA to live his dream of enjoying floor seats, box suites, meet players and eat free hotdogs.... and up until now I have dashed those hopes and dreams and turned down the Anthem about twenty times. It was a contentious subject between us, I would explain "you're totally worth it, I just can't do it, basically it's the musical equivalent to jumping out of an airplane" Another fear I can confidently state that i will not be facing, ever, and I'm cool with that.

So short story turned long, I got a call from the Phoenix Suns the week before Christmas, they heard I was going to be in town, and was wondering if I could sing the National Anthem at the first game of the season the day after Christmas... My first instinct was to say no, like I had done the twenty times before, but then I had realized that I had yet to find Dave a gift for Christmas... I was struck with "crappy wife" guilt and starting thinking about how many times he missed out on cool games, and much it would mean to Dave if I took this opportunity in the face of fear so that he could see his Sun's play! It was SO the perfect present... so I told them, "maybe, let me think about it"... the thought made me feel sick inside. Fear does that...

I decided I had to sing it for someone, I needed and honest third party opinion. I had sang it for myself hundreds of times in the shower trying to convince my disbelieving heart that I could do it, only to be embarrassed for what the shampoo and conditioner heard. Jack happened to be at my house the day I got the call, we were finishing the EP. I told him, "Jack, you MUST tell me the truth", he said he would, after recording two records there's no BS going on in Jack and White. I sang it for him, it wasn't perfect, it was a bit shaky, but he said "Do it Brooke! You gotta do it!".

So I called back those Phoenix Suns and I told them YES. Aaahhhh! I wanted to throw-up (secondary fear). But then I thought about how stinkin' cool it was gonna be for Dave and my family to go sit in fancy seats at the game. So in secret I practiced, I told myself I could do it, I thought positive thoughts, and I imagined it going well. What was the worst that could happen? My voice would crack? I could forget the words? Then I remembered, Oh yeah, been there done that, in front of forty million people this one time on American Idol. I survived and the world kept turning, and VH1 turned it into a best week ever skit, sweet.

The day after Christmas came faster then I hoped, Dave could hardly believe that his dream was coming true! Ah that was a good feeling that fueled my fire and gave me a good reason to do something I was truly beyond scared of. Love does that...

Game time was upon us, with my whole family cheering me on we drove to the arena and were greeted by our host. I was surprised at how calm I felt, still scared, but calm. I had prayed a thousand prayers that day, sang it for my sister in the bathroom and now it was time to punch my fear in the face good and hard. They gave me an awesome Steve Nash t-shirt that stretched tight across my growing baby belly. Thankfully they also provided me with an awesome purple Sun's jacket to cover up my protruding belly button that demands to be acknowledged (i've tried everything to get this navel to calm down, band-aids, duct tape etc... no luck, so now I just dare people to push it, i'm weird). We stood underneath the tunnel and cheered as we watched the players run through, we saw Steve Nash, he is so cool.

They led me to the court, my family hugged me and took their seats, Dave gave me a quick kiss and told me "you got this", I could tell that even he was freakin' out a little for me. I was too. I had recorded my first note on my iPhone, this was crucial, if I started on the wrong note i'd be sure to have a Carl Lewis "Rockets red glare" moment. I listened quickly and handed it off to the gentleman who then gave me a microphone, I hummed it as I heard them call my name, the crowd was cheering, the room went dark as a spotlight beamed down on me, my heart was beating like a timpany drum, I was pretty sure you could hear it pulse through the microphone I was holding in my shaking hand. I took a breath, closed my eyes, my throat tightened and I started to sing "Oh say can you see!" I don't remember much after that, except for a humbling effect of the song, the high notes were high and the low notes were low... I remember nearing the big note, the one I had feared the most "for the land of the FREE!", and hearing someone cheer "yeah!" and then the home of the brave and it was all over, just like that! NO WAY, I did it! I had no idea if it was good, but I did it! Dave was proud, strangers gave me high fives, my family cheered! I admit, it felt victorious...

My brothers girlfriend had taken a video of it with her iPhone, against my usual will, my dad talked me into to watching it back... boy I was relieved! It wasn't anything fancy, quite simple, but on pitch and I had remembered the words 99 percent correctly.



A dear friend that knows me well asked me the next day on facebook how I've managed to do things I'm scared of, I don't really know... truth is I don't like facing my fears anymore then the next guy or gal. Believe me I  usually take all measures to resist the stuff I'm afraid of, But there may be something that I dislike even more, and that is being controlled by fear, letting it take the wheel that directs my course, cause it usually means that I stop progressing, that I miss out on opportunities, that I don't get to have the experience, that I don't become what I'm supposed to become...  I then live with the regret of knowing that I didn't do the thing I should of done because I was scared, and that is a feeling I fear more then fear itself. Sometimes it takes being forced to the edge, being faced with an ultimatum that shows you what you're made of, like jumping to safety from a burning building. Then there are times that we do it for the thrill. And Sometimes you don't do it for you, you do it for your sports nut husband, or you go to the OB/GYN for your scary invasive check-ups for that baby girl in your belly cause you'll do absolutely anything and everything you can to make sure she is healthy and ok, and you will labor through pain to hold her in your arms. Whatever the reason may be, we find one that is bigger then the fear, we find a little courage and we just do it, and somehow we survive...

I've discovered, Generally if an opportunity scares me a little bit, even a lot, then it's a good indicator that I need to take it... And there is nothing quite like doing the thing you thought you couldn't do.