Tuesday, April 17, 2012

HEAVY BUT WE FLOAT...

It's 4:10 in the am and I have given up... on sleep, on dreams, on control. Sounds irrational, thoughts usually are around this time. 

Over an hour ago I was awoken (or is it awaken? honestly, grammar is at the bottom of the totem poll right about now) by the routine reminder that my bladder is intensely full. I try to muster up the gumption and motivation to roll from my right side, to my back, and then all the way over to my left side, then attempt to tumble my body over the edge of the bed, in hopes that my feet hit the floor... will I land it? I'm like an eight month pregnant gymnast with the agility of a turtle planning her dismount... no, I'm not looking for the gold, just the toliet. It's perplexing to me how difficult a task this has become for my body... it's as if I've come face to face with the summit of Mount Everest... 

I feel heavy... physically... mentally.

And in those less then twenty routine steps to the bathroom, I've thought as many as a hundred fragmented thoughts that I don't know what to do with...

"you should probably just give up music"

"you don't have a car seat yet... but you already signed that paper at the hospital that you would have the seat, properly installed in your car... you gotta get on that, like, NOW!!!!"

"how many rolls of toliet paper do we have left?"

"If you don't take that meeting in New York next week you can likely kiss that opportunity good-bye... but what if you give birth on the airplane? do they do epidurals on airplanes?"

"what's happening to the thighs?"

"BABY CPR... that is important... YouTube it"

"Hey, all the underwear is in the dryer down in the garage, they've been there since... last week-ish... seriously, what are you gonna do when you have kids"

"oh c'mon, you know you can't give up music"

"the curtains in the nursery would be so cute with that pom-pom garland sewn on the edges that I saw on pinterest"

"Girls with Glasses..."

"you're probably never gonna sleep again"

"if you actually practiced the guitar, you'd probably be decent at it"

"maybe dave would appreciate something other then frosted mini wheats for dinner"

"you haven't read the scriptures in a long time"

"and... why do you keep buying lettuce, you know you're never gonna make the salad"

"remember how you paid $80 for pre-natal yoga classes... haven't been in over a month"

"you probably can't put the baby in the van with the band and drive around the country... but you can't leave her... you'll figure it out"

"Is it my turn to 'draw something'?"

"you are almost a year away from 30"

"I could be a way better friend... never called Monika"

"man i miss friday night lights"

"you're having a baby"

"maybe you should bolt the windows shut so she can't fall out of them"

"American Idol was crazy"

"I know I can do this, but can I do this?"

"luckily Dave is so emotionally stable"

"this bathroom has been cleaned like twice since you moved in"

"things will change"

"it's going to be hard... you are going to LOVE her"

Seriously, all of that. I turn my head to see that ugly clock light glowing in the dark... it's 3:02 am, looks like the un-purchased, uninstalled car seat will have to wait until the morning... but it is morning... Let's give it a couple more hours, or at least until Target opens... 8 am.

After unloading what felt like less then a mere teaspoon of tinkle (sounds silly to say tinkle, but I don't love the word 'urine' either), I stumble back over to the bed, and gear up to get back in... position the body pillow on the left, the small pillow on the right, the tempurpedic pillow under the king pillow and then try to nestle somewhere in the middle of it all, one of the pillows falls overboard, do I have it in me to pick it up? My head says try, but my hips say no. After nearly twenty minutes of readjusting and tossing too and fro, I realize that likely there is no comfortable way to do this. I look over at Dave, he is sleeping hardcore... I stare in envy. It is one of his gifts... it is not mine. I am happy for him... sleep while you can my dear, sleep while you can.

I lay there for a while, wrestling more consciously with those thoughts... and, I don't know. I just don't know. And I try tell myself that it is okay that I don't know. I try to be okay with being okay with not knowing. And then I realize I'm not, but that it's nearly 4 am, and perhaps this is not the best time to try to logically have it all worked out, nor will there likely be a good time. I'm not the first soon to be parent worried about how I'm going to do it, and I won't be the last... So I get out of bed, and here I sit, typing a blog that potentially I will read back when I'm in a more coherent state of being, and wonder why I thought it was a good idea to blast all these thoughts into the blogosphere. I'll want to delete it, but then I won't... 

I'm looking out the window, and the sky is becoming brighter. I already feel better. 

Jack wrote this song called "Heavy but we float"... and in this moment, in one of my heavier moments, I am weighed down by nearly thirty extra pounds and a world of fears and unknowns...  I feel this lil' person moving around within this belly, and with her small swift kick there is this thought "what you really don't know is just how much you are going to love her"... 

And I'm so thankful this is happening.... and I'm floatin'... like a feather.


24 comments:

  1. Brooke, I loved this post. I've not had someone describe what I was feeling exactly one year ago, like you did. I promise things just work themselves out. I had my little girl (a year ago), my first, at age 34 and I have cherished every single moment. Take the time with her. Enjoy this time. It goes by so fast. Looking back, I feel very little regret for her first year of life. Everything will be there waiting for you when you feel it's time to adjust the lens and focus on other things more.

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  2. I know I'm not supposed to laugh at your "heavy" situation, but you portrayed it so humorously I just can't help it. You're simply a woman of many talents.

    Seriously, if it was me, I'd probably just wake my husband up and yell at him, lol.

    I'm not married and don't have a kid so I wouldn't be able to really empathize, but I know you'll be a great mom, Brooke :)

    P.S. 30 is not that scary. Ask again when I'm 40 though, lol.

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  3. it may not mean much, but for what it's worth, i can remember each and every one of those thoughts that never ceased (ok, except the music... but i did work, so i'll replace "music" with "work:)")... you're so not alone!!!!! darn those minds. AND BLADDER! what's up with the whole, "i'm going to pee a river!" and then all you hear is a "tinkle????"

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  4. Aww, I just love your blog! ( :

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  5. You WILL love her more than you even thought possible! It will all work out, way better than you thought it would. God has a plan for you and your precious little girl. I agree with one other post. Make sure you enjoy every moment! They only go through each phase once, the pregnancy included. I have an almost 9 year old, and I can't believe my time with him in my house is almost half over! It's a wonderful gift that you write all this stuff down. Print it out, so one day she can read it even if you close the blog! And 30 is much easier than 20, I promise!

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  6. Ok, I pretty much had the same exact night last night. I'm 31 weeks along and yeah its getting kind of tough moving around all this extra weight and just making it all fit. My mom always told me, "no self-evaluation after 10 pm". This has been the greatest reality check for me when I start thinking about all of those kinds of things. God is good and somehow always makes these kinds of things work out for good. I hope the discomfort lets up a bit. Love how you ended your post remembering that it is all worth it:)
    ~Jennifer

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  7. You are a gem.

    I have been there and done that!!

    Just wait until you hold her for the first time. It's unreal - a million thoughts will rush through your head then, too...

    You will finally know what it feels like to have your heart outside of your body. At least that is what motherhood feels like to me...

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  8. Hi babble! I'm kind of smiling while reading your post..surely you will know what to do..Let Go all Your worries and Let God do the rest..=)Let go and Let God...Music is your passion then it makes your life,but your child,she'll going to be your everything.

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  9. Damn girl. This was beautiful, articulate, and very relatable - pregnant or not. Tonight when your head is spinning, make sure "I'm a brilliant writer" gets itself into the mix. =)

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  10. Sweetie, I haven't even finished reading this yet and YOU CAN do it!! My little girl is almost 3 months. And I wouldn't trade this wild ride for anything. I spent the last month and a half of my preg on bedrest then she came 3 weeks early via emer csection. She then spent her next two weeks of life in the hospital. It was a hard recovery for both of us and nothing was done in her nursery. But you get done what is important!! I have so much faith you can do it and why not try and take the little one on the road, at least try!!

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  11. The Dave sleeping part reminds me after our first child was born. My wife got up 2-3 times during the night to care for the baby while I sleep like a rock. After the first 3 weeks or so she said I know you have to go to work but I just can't get up anymore, would you please get up tonight. I said sure no problem, knowing I have a hard time getting up and getting back to sleep. But she was desperate. That night the baby sleep through the night to 6:30am and every thereafter.

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  12. Oh sugar you are the master of cram and jam. Never known anyone quite like you. You always seemed to thrive on that. Wish we could be there. Gonna have to get on the frequent flyer gig. We are just an hour away. This is very fun and exciting. Gotta have a bit of stress to go along with it. I love ya

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  13. Oh Brookie, I loved every word!! Pretty soon your little girl will be 8 months old and you'll be chatting with Dave Ray CPA before bed wondering where the time has gone. "Wasn't it just yesterday I gave birth to her and now she's sitting, crawling, cooing and exploring the world around her!?" Enjoy EVERY moment. The sleepless night pre and post baby. They go much too quickly. A quote just came to mind and I wanted to share it with you:

    "It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. … If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers." - Pres. Hinckley

    I'm sure this isn't a trial of your faith, but I love this quote and even on the off days it helps to remember that even Pres. Hinckley said this daily. It WILL all work out! :) And I'm pretty sure she will love being on the road and hearing you sing and play music too!

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  14. Hugs to you Brooke! I have no doubt that you'll be an amazing rock and roll mommy. This little girl has no idea how lucky she is.

    Hang in there and try to stay focused on the lighter things right now. Go easy on yourself and remember that you CAN do it! :)

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  15. I remember the end time of each of my pregnancies. I made a list of the women I knew personally who'd had babies and lived to tell the tale. :). Somehow it helped!

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  16. Hi Brooke, I'm not married and don't have any children(hope to have both one day) so I don't guess I can totally relate to what you're going through, but the way you described everything was great--we were all right there with you, but glad not to be, haha :).

    Your one thought about being a year away from 30, don't know if that was a positive or negative thought, or in between, but 30 isn't bad. I just turned 31 a few days ago, and even though I could be sad/depressed or whatever about it because I had hoped to be in a situation that you are in right now (married and starting a family) I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be, and you're where your supposed to be. Even though you don't know how everything will pan out--and it's great how you came to that conclusion at the end of your blog and that you're thankful for all of it! :)

    Your new bundle of joy will be such a blessing from God, and you'll be a great mother!

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  17. xoxo, brookie! once you figure it out, give us all the answers!

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  18. Hi Brooke,
    Love your terrific way with words--such a gift. You will be an Awesome mom,I know. Children (& grandchildren) are the greatest gift in life--we have two wonderful, amazing grown daughters (in their 30's) and two adorable, sweet little grandchildren, who make our hearts sing and that we absolutely adore---you have soooo much to look forward to!! There are no words to describe it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

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  19. This post really touched me. You put into words what every mother feels, it may not be music...but we all have that fear of the unknown. Don't worry about the future, because when you hold that baby girl...you will realize, it doesn't matter how or when or where or what the future holds, except that your baby is in that future with you and Dave! So excited for you!!

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  20. Oh Brooke! Don't know why but I cried at the end of your post. Can't speak for all parents but for me, girl - I have been there. I am still there most nights as well. Kids are everything in life and the love is not something you'll have to work at, it is just there. I think about your baby girl here and there and, as your friend, I know I love her already too. Times are tough and there is so much going on but you get through it like everything in life.

    Love you Brooke!!

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  21. I love this. It's honest and it's real. I'm 26 weeks and can totally relate to having to tinkle all the time. It always has to happen when you're maxed out on pure comfy bliss.. the blankets are just right and the dog-to-husband-to-pillow cuddle ratio is perfect. Then you stumble around in the dark, not wanting to turn on the light and be blinded to death, and meander your way to begin your neverending tribute porcelain gods. I can't tell you how many times I've sat down thinking I was anywhere remotely close to the seat, only to find out I most definitely was not. Oh, and tile is cold.. so cold. Then you're awake, you're physically relieved.. and wide awake. In the dark. To ponder. EVERYTHING. But like you said, you feel a little kick and it's a reminder that there is something greater than you can ever imagine taking place. This little life is growing inside you, and you WILL figure everything out. So you breathe, and you take it one day at a time.. and hopefully try to stop being so hard on yourself :)

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  22. Okay, that? Was brilliant. And heartrending and poignant and warm and witty and funny, to boot.

    And you've SOOOO GOT THIS, dude.

    All those natural mothering instincts are gonna kick into overdrive, and yeah, there will be moments where it's difficult and frustrating and whatev, but you and your hubster are going to kick ass and be enriched out the wazoo.

    (I speak as though I have any clue about the whole deal, even though I'm not a mother. BUT my sister-in-law has a one-and-a-half year old and I can vouch for her, heh heh.)

    Also, Friday Night Lights? I DIE. In February my bestie got me the season 1 & 2 DVDs and I fell in love big-time. Then I bought season 3 from a local store. Then they didn't have seasons 4 & 5 so I ordered from Amazon and they arrived last week, and MAAAAAN.

    Coach Taylor is just...sigh. (It doesn't hurt that Kyle Chandler is a fox.) Tami is a queen. Everyone rocks. (Except OMG I could strangle McCoy Senior, grrrrrrr! And blecch!)

    Okay, enough yammering from me!

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  23. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BABY GIRL..I HAVE A LONDON TOO AND SHE IS PRECIOUS..GREAT NAME!!!!

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