HOW TO SURVIVE A FRIEND BREAK-UP....

About six months ago I quickly scribbled a bunch of thoughts I felt inspired to share on a piece of paper, then I folded it in half and stuck it behind a box for a time I was ready. I found it tonight, so I think it's time. It's probably going to be long.

They say that breaking up is hard to do... there is a wealth of information out there on how to deal with the end of a romantic relationship, divorce or a separation with a lover. But what about when something goes wrong in an important friendship? It's a topic that I haven't seen a lot of talk about. I am ready to talk about it.

A friend break-up can be just as traumatic as the unraveling of a romantic relationship... we are left with a lot of loose ends, and the end of a friendship can dramatically change the landscape of your life, particularly if you live far away from your family...

where you will watch the superbowl...

who your kids play with...

who you will run with on Saturday mornings...

who you call when your baby has a high fever and you don't know what to do...
who you sit with at lunch...

or even who you follow on instagram and facebook...

It also has complexities, as it often leaves mutual friends in the awkward position of choosing sides, or changes the dynamic of a once tight knit group... 

A loss of a friend can be like a death, leaving you with a large void, one that takes time to fill, one that must be grieved, one that has to be healed, one that has to be learned from.

I would love to tell you this has never happened to me... and yet, beyond my efforts to keep all my friendships healthy and whole, I'm sorry to say, it has happened.  It has been some of my life's deepest sorrows to lose a good friend, for reasons that in some instances that have been beyond my control, or whose fate led to lives leading in different directions, and though it's hard to own, have been part of my own doing a particular time or two.

There are many reasons why a friendship crumbles. There is pride, betrayals of trust, competitive and jealous tendencies, there is neediness or co-dependency, negativity, unkindness and a lack of respect, spreading of gossip... true and untrue, dishonesty and on and on.  Some situations might be of a much more complicated nature. Perhaps two people can no longer be friends because of associations to other people, family members, spouses, close associates etc. And other times, there may be friends that have a toxic interaction, and they just don't bring about the best in each other. There are millions of individual situations and scenarios, but whatever the reason of the down fall, whether it was mutual, whether you were the defriend-er, or the defriend-ee, it is hard and heartbreaking.

If you have never experienced a falling out with a friend, I want to congratulate you! (Please inform us on how you have managed to do so in the comment section below;)) However, I have a feeling that most of us, at one time or another have gone through such an experience. We're humans, we're complex and complicated, co-dependent, emotions run deep, feelings get messy, we're insecure, self centered, self-conscious and imperfect.

As I sit here and type, please know this is a vulnerable topic for me, as I attempt to write with honesty, from the heart. I write in hopes to give someone struggling a portion of hope, a little peace of mind, to know they are not alone, and that there is a light at the end of the friend break-up tunnel, and perhaps to offer a few thoughts that have come to me in my own experience.

Maybe not particularly in this order:

1.) GREIVE: It hurts... our hearts, our minds, our fragile egos. I think it's necessary to allow ourselves the permission to feel our feelings. To cry it out, feel sad, mad, bad, broken, confused, pitiful or empty. Write it down, scream it out, punch a pillow, eat a carton of cookie dough ice cream. I've given myself a certain amount of time to dwell on it, I've even tried to give myself a deadline "pity party it up for an hour then get on with it". Perhaps you have to do this over and over again. I find supressing emotion is counter-productive, and yet I also find rehashing and constantly dwelling in the pain of the past can also keep us from moving into the light. Like all things, we have to find a balance between the suppression and the dwelling... difficult. Good luck...

2.) REFLECT HONESTLY: Think about it, reflect, do your best to be honest with yourself. This part may be difficult initially, but in time you may find it easier to be subjective. Most situations are rarely one sided, "what is my part?" Is a question I have asked myself. What issues, behaviors or situations did we bring to the table? And if you can, or when you can, try to put yourself in the other persons shoes. There are two sides to every story. Try to see the picture from their perspective... how would it feel to be them? I have found this very effective in finding compassion, especially in times of anger. Remember "in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see". I love one of the seven habits taught by Stephen R. Covey "Seek first to understand and then to be understood". 

3.) DON'T OBSESS: Right after I say reflect, I will also say this, do your best to not obsess. Perhaps you are one of those people who washes their hands clean of the person, and can say good riddance and move along completely detached of emotion (or denial of emotion), again, I would congratulate you! For the rest of us, when the situation is fresh, and we sift through our initial reactions and feelings, this is especially challenging. You may feel defensive and want to speak your mind to the person, resist. We may try to fix it, change it, control it and we will find that those efforts often make things worse.   Replaying the events of the fall out, things they said or did, things you said or did, things you wish you wouldn't have said or done. Often our thoughts become like a hamster running on a hamster wheel, repetitive, exhausting, leading to no where... stuck. I know sometimes I over dramatize things on the stage of my brain. Also I have learned, it is best to never assume. If there is something you don't know, you don't know! Try not to construct imaginary details... accept unknowns. Often times we want to know WHY?! We want a reason, and yet we may never find reasons or answers that will satisfy us. Like Demi says "give your heart a break" and give your mind a break, be conscious of your thoughts. In the few situations I have been in, I have found that I have really had to develop self control and awareness with my thoughts. I have learned to question the validity of my thoughts. My mom would always tell us to ask ourselves "is that thought true?". Thoughts are powerful and often dictate our life! 

4.) UN-FOLLOW: This one goes hand in hand with "don't obsess". With social media at it's peak, we are constantly aware of what each other are doing, with updates happening every hour. We may be tempted to "stalk" or check out what our old friend may be up to. I'm suggesting that it's not the best idea. Whether you are feeling particularly raw and tender about the situation, Or you may have made progress with moving on... seeing a picture on instagram or a status update pop up on your feed from your old friend, or friends hanging out with out you will likely feel like a little stab to the heart. I have experienced this before, and sometimes it would derail my day, or would take me a few hours to shake it off. Maybe I am overly sensitive, probably. If you are too,  do yourself a favor and as high school-ish as it sounds, unfollow or de-friend the individual (or individuals) on your social networking platforms that trigger heartache or propel you into a funk. Don't make a scene, don't do it to be catty or hurtful to the other person, but to protect your heart, and your thoughts and your efforts for progress... To help you move forward, and let them move forward. 

5.) HAPPY TOOLS: My grandma always told us to "find our happy tools" when we were sad. Happy tools are anything that help you turn your frown upside down. For me music has always been a happy tool, playing the piano has been my therapy through out my life. Or dancing in my living room or taking a drive, rolling down the windows and blasting a pop song like "party in the USA". I also love a good project that requires focus and invigorates my mind without wearing it out... painting, styling a shelf, re-arrange furniture. Pulling weeds, gardening, cooking, hanging out with kids, giving service, getting a pedicure and yes, trips to Target and shopping are all helpful little pick-me ups when we are feeling blue from our situation. Figure out what your happy tools are, write them down on a list, refer to them when you are bummin' out. 

6.) PRAY OR MEDITATE: I'm a pray-er. I am one of those people that prays about almost everything. And in the instance of friend break-ups, I have found prayer to be one of the most comforting and relieving remedies to my soul. If I have a moment alone, I especially love to pray out loud, speaking honestly and earnestly with God, expressing my struggle, asking for understanding, asking for healing, asking for the ability to let go, to forgive, to move on and find peace, and to try to find gratitude for the lessons I am trying to learn from the trial. And when I am unable to pray out loud, I pray on the inside, whenever or wherever I am. Somedays it feels like I am praying all day, and like I'll never be ready to say amen. Some situations may be beyond us, and we can't do it alone. I can't. I would highly recommend prayer. However, If you aren't into all that, then meditate, find quiet moments to give your struggles to the universe, or to find serenity in nature, walk, drive to the ocean, swing on the swings in the park.  Personally I do both, pray and meditate. Yoga is also a very peaceful practice that can also sooth and center the anguished spirit.

7.) DON'T GOSSIP: Resist the urge to talk about the situation with everyone you know. We all need someone to talk to, but limit it to a trusted individual, a parent, spouse or someone removed from the situation, like a counselor if need be (I endorse healthy counseling). This can become murky territory, we sometimes think that it's our right or responsibility to share what happened with others indirectly involved or not involved, and sometimes we convince ourselves that it is our duty to spread the word, we even may tell ourselves that we are doing a noble thing. It's not. There are those delicate occasions when we do have to share, and it is necessary, and those situations require sensitivity. We have to be honest with ourselves about who really needs to know, and how much they need to know. I have been imperfect in this arena, and have regretted telling the wrong person the wrong thing, a hard lesson I have learned. RESPECT mutual friendships, try to not contaminate, recruit or ruin the relationships that your friends may have with the other person. If it is not between them, it's not between them. You may have to be prepared with a simple answer to questions you may get from mutual parties. And even though the friendship might be over, you may feel angry or justified, don't betray confidences the person previously placed in you, revealing secrets or personal information. There are of course, exceptions to every situation... but, try hard, don't gossip. 

8.) APOLOGIZE & FORGIVE: Wow this one can be hard. Forgiveness is one of those principles that is often both oversimplified and yet overcomplicated. I take this one back to prayer. There are times we feel we are unable to extend forgiveness, or we have yet overcome our pride or recognize that we need to say sorry for our part. We have to come to this place with sincerity for it to become effective. I find it takes time, a long time even. There is one particular situation I found myself in years ago where I had a falling out with a close friend, we didn't speak for two years. I didn't know if I could ever let go. I wondered if I would be able to overcome my feelings. I read books, prayed and sought for the change of heart. But it wasn't until I had received a heartfelt letter of apology and reconciliation from my old friend that my heart was softened, I was surprised by how much it healed me, I wanted to reciprocate with my apologies. We were actually able to repair the relationship and are friends again today. Now I am not saying that this should or would be the case for every fallen friendship, some things are meant to be over, but I will say that taking proactive steps towards forgiveness and acknowledging our part is something that will help us find closure and ultimate healing. If you are able, perhaps after the passing of time, and emotions have settled, a simple heartfelt note of apology or forgiveness can do wonders. Of course, as I mentioned before, every situation is different. If there is a risk to potentially re-open a door that should remain closed or cause further pain by sending the wrong message, then maybe you can write the note without sending, as a way to find expression and peace within yourself. 

9.) LET IT BE: It's amazing how much peace can be found in surrendering to that which we cannot change or control. This is also difficult, but it can also be easier than we make it. I was counseled once by a very wise man about a set of trials that were consuming me. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I told him I just didn't think I could let it all go. He held up a pen, and then he quite simply, let it go. I watched it drop, I insisted that it wasn't that easy. He had me do it, I held the pen, and then I opened my hand and let it go. I felt silly. But suddenly I got it, I applied the same principle to the problem in my mind and suddenly, I let it go. It didn't necessarily change the situation, but then again, neither did worrying, obsessing, replaying and stressing about it all. But it did change me. Quite frequently I would pick back up the thing I let go of... I would just have to let it go and let it be, over and over again. Things will be what they will be. We do our part and then we must let it be. I have sung that song a few hundred times. It has become natural for me to sing and say each word with conviction, a message of faith "there will be an answer... let it be".

10.) GIVE IT TIME: Time is a healer. Nothing changes us and the situation quite like time does. Because as time passes and everything changes, so do we, things fade into the distance, other things become more important and demand our attention and energy, we gain clarity and perspective, and yet our memory becomes a bit foggy of the details that we thought we'd never forget... thankfully. Time proves our resilience and helps us turn a painful experience into wisdom. Give it time, and then give it some more time... things will get better.

11.) MOVE ON: Try oh try to move on. Learn from the situation, from your mistakes, write things down that you would never do again, and the things you will do differently moving forward. Create new boundaries for yourself, for your friendships. Be open, but go slow as you re-open your heart to new people and new friends. Believe that there will be other people, that will be better suited for you, and you for them, that will be healthier and better friendships, that will support you. Try to be positive, adopt optimism over pessimism, and exude that energy with the people that you meet. Be authentic, be you! Be a good listener, be the type of friend you want to have. Resist dragging your old baggage into your new friendships. You may feel scared, you may feel like you want to hyperventilate into a paper bag, you may feel like hiding under the bed like a little kid. Of course, you may feel vulnerable in social situations. I do, at 30 years old I still get that nervous feeling in the pit of my tummy when I throw a party, or invite friends over to my house, or send a text, wondering if the person will respond. That's just the scars... it's ok.