JUST ANOTHER MUSIC MONDAY: HERE NOW

About four years ago I was writing songs, all day, every day for several days...

Then one day... BAM. I hit a wall. I had nothing left. 

Writers block they call it. I had it, and it bummed me out hard. What if I was never going to be able to write another song again? What did this mean? Was my life void of inspiration, passion and experience? Months went by, I read the artist way (life changing, you should read it), I wrote morning pages, wrote a gratitude journal took myself on artist dates to the Getty, got a sketch pad and sketched a bunch of hands and eyeballs, flowers in vases and mickey mouse, spent more time serving at church, I walked several laps around the lake at balboa park and listened to a lot of Joni Mitchell... I even attempted, quiet time... that was weird. I wondered if maybe I was trying too hard, and then some days I wondered if I was trying hard enough. 

I'd sit down behind the piano, hours would pass, a blank open page of my notebook staring me down... but there was nothing. So I pulled out the guitar, and spent a lot of time just, holding it... but there was nothing. I spent a lot of time obsessing over the fear that I was never going to be able to write again.  I went about life on autopilot, doing a lot of stuff, but in my mind became a hostage to my dramatic, fear based thoughts. I reminisced of the days when I had something to say, something to play... and started questioning my choices. 

I had to keep reading this... 

Panic. Despair. I quit...

Kinda, but not really. Quitting never lasts long for me. I did pray, for songs, or for acceptance that there would be no more songs, maybe it just wasn't what I was supposed to do anymore.

Fast forward a while, I can't recall how long. I played a lot of gigs, sang the songs I had. I was sitting in front of the mirror blow drying my hair with a round brush when it came... 

fast forward then rewind

look ahead and look behind...

In a rush of excitement, I dropped the hair dryer and the brush like a hot potato and I ran to my keyboard... the intro was instant, I found the chords to support the melody that the words delivered to me. But then there was more...

present moment never lingers

time will slip right through your fingers

when... you're not livin' 

and everything, you've been missin'

you can't take back again...

And that was it. That was all I could get. Gah. For the next several weeks I would spend a few hours a day, staring at that verse, trying to figure out where it wanted to go next...

Months passed by, and I had gotten a call from a friend of mine in Nashville, Chris Oglesby, he connects writers, and was responsible for setting up some of my most successful co-writes. He wondered if I wanted to write with this guy "Busbee", Mike Busbee, who lived in Laurel Canyon. I figured maybe it'd be a good idea to get back to co-writing, so I said yes. That day I brought this song I had been working on... I played it for Busbee. I moved over, He sat at the piano and started singing... 

"How long, How long, till we've figured out, that we're here now"

"How long, How long, till we turn around and it's all gone, will we wish that we were still here now"

It was perfect. We finished the song in a little over an hour. That afternoon he created and we recorded potentially one of the greatest demos I've ever made, just a piano, vocal and strings. It just felt, true.

I popped the disc of the demo into my cd player and listened to it on repeat during the long drive home through the canyon. I was raw with emotion. I realized the song was schooling me...

I was waiting. We all are waiting. Waiting for that day when we'll finally be happy...

when we write a song.

when we get our braces off

when we graduate.

when we get married.

when we pay off the credit card.

when we get pregnant.

when we get some sleep

when we lose ten pounds

when we get a record deal

when we move out of the crappy apartment

when we remodel the kitchen
when we get our pay check and we can go buy more stuff

when we get a tan

when we quit workin' for the man...

when we get that apology

Really? I don't know, maybe we will be happier... for a minute, and then on to the next thing.

Or we get stuck in the past, we spend our precious minutes on regrets, wishing we had or hadn't, or we coulda shoulda, fantasizing we could rewrite history, or reminiscing a time we thought it had it all.

Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting it is wrong to learn from our past, or to dream, or strive for a better future. It is actually really important, goals are great, change is necessary. 

But, what about now, what about this moment that we are in?! If we are stuck in yesterday or living for tomorrow, we totally miss out on today. And today is the best day ever, because it's what we got. And when it's gone, it's gone. 

Yep, Life is hard, it has it's disappointments and super crappy let downs, and we tell ourselves "the best is yet to come", but until then, maybe we can still be happy now.

And when I say "we", I kinda mean "me". Feel free to join me, let's be here now.

I've been saving this song... maybe the next record :)