I NEVER SENT MY CHRISTMAS CARDS, PERFECTIONISM, 2014... AND CHANGE

(note: started this post 2 weeks ago)

I never sent my Christmas cards. I tried, but then they turned out grainy. And I just couldn't bring myself to send grainy. They are sitting right beside me, in a box, on my desk as I type. I thought, sending Valentines could be fun?! February 14th came and went, and I completely spaced it... kind of. I thought about it, and realized that I just, didn't have it in me. First time I haven't sent a holiday greeting in the almost ten years I've been married. Ten.

Also, looking back at my last post here on this ghost town of a blog/website, was the 8th day of Christmas, of the infamous 12 days of Christmas Give aways that pretty much turned into the 10 days of Christmas Give-aways. Yes, 10 is the new 12. Never say never, but I might never do a give-away ever again. I'll tell you my heart was so in the right place in orchestrating the most overwhelming give-away during the most overwhelming, I mean wonderful time of year, but it kind of was a disaster.  Sorry about that. Some people are really good at give aways, and math, and sports and letting go of unimportant stuff. I am good at none of those things. 

There is generally a part of me that really gets worked up on the inside over dropping the ball on items such as Christmas cards and give-aways. One day the worry police in my brain were on my case about both things, plus a few others that maybe were more important...  and I really got to feeling crappy about it all, and that's when suddenly I decided, it was not worth feeling crappy about. I decided! For once I could kind of grasp the silliness over the obsession with doing Christmas Cards, when I was reminded that everyone has seen and heard about my family, pretty much everyday for the last ten years. Thanks social networking. But wait, they don't have the paper version that comes in the mail and goes in the trash in three weeks, or in my case on the spot, because it arrives mid to end january when everyone has already ripped the dear things off the back of the door?! That sounds so bah humbug and cynical. That isn't my style. But sometimes you assert reality to get you through.

Really what I was hung up on was the idea of Christmas cards, or Valentines cards, and give aways. But in reality the act of sending Christmas Cards is one of the most time consuming expensive tasks of the season that kinda sends me over the edge every year. Like I end up having to go to the post office twenty times for more stamps because half of my family is Canadian and I never account for the extra postage... never, every time. Of course I want to design my own and have them printed on very fancy heavy recycled card stock paper for like one million dollars for 50. But then to save a little bit of cash I opt to go find my own envelopes (instead of having them made) for that custom card that is a really weird size, because I needed to be "artsy" and or "stupid", in which I will run to Staples, Office Max, Target, Wal-mart, Michaels and that other expensive stationary store in the mall to realize, yeah so they don't make envelopes this size. So I settle for envelopes that are bigger, and as I put each card into the envelope a little part of me dies, that it doesn't fit like a glove, that it's jiggling and floating around in there. I think of it shifting from side to side inside the monster envelope as it's traveling in the mail. Like fingernails on a chalkboard. Yeah, really, it's hard for me. As I write this, I'm embarrassed to actually say it out loud, or write it out loud. Because I don't think twice when other people send me pre-made cards, or smaller cards in bigger envelopes. I think "Yay! So nice of them to send me a Christmas Card!" Honestly I don't hold anyone to my ridiculously high personal Christmas Card standards.  I wonder why I can't go to Costco like all the other normal sane people of the world and just buy like 100 cards + envelopes for $15. 

I will tell you why, because deep down I am chained to the pursuit of perfection. Like, Pinterest Perfect, ya know?  And remember that whole, "done is better than perfect" thing? Yeah, I still just can't seem to get into it. Still aiming for "perfectly done", which really means "never done". So I thought about all of this and realized that, indeed I was more emotionally invested in the thought of Christmas Cards, then in the actual sending of Christmas Cards.  I should say, and say with em-phasis, that I love Christmas cards, receiving them is magical, and sending them is a kind gesture. But I realized that a big part of it for me, was for me, and that's kind of selfish and not what Christmas cards are supposed to be about. As of 2013, it will go down in History as that one year that I didn't send out Christmas cards. Maybe next year after I reform and simplify my Christmas card mentality, or just my mentality, I will get it done. Which brings me to 2014.

So first, Happy New Year! You may be thinking "hey brooke you know it's like March". And right you are. Here's the thing, you know that feeling you get at the start of a New Year? Like you are starting fresh, that you have a new vision, a sense of clarity, a burst of real motivation, the world is yours for the taking feeling?! As if that one singular day that transitions us from one year to the next, magically makes us able to change all the things that we were just completely incapable of being  able to change just days before. It's all mental, isn't it?

Well I didn't have any of those feelings. As a matter of fact, the dense Christmas fog hadn't lifted. The over-committments of 2013 woke up with me in 2014. And I was just... tired, confused, unmotivated and quite frankly absolutely unsure how to change any of it. I was very Eyore-ish. And that just isn't like me. But I think that my old ways have caught up with me and I can't pretend like it's working anymore. 

So I didn't write that "ready to conquer the new year" post that so many of us feel compelled to write. Because I was so very un-compelled. And much like the Christmas Cards and give aways,  I was worried that I wasn't compelled, or motivated. But then I also had the moment of being okay with not being okay with everything. I don't know if I gave up those worries because I just had no brain space for it, or I just became indifferent. I have to tell you I have a fear of indifference. But once you become indifferent, well it doesn't make a difference. Yay for the most redundant paragraph of all time! 

This is where I was, most of January. I tried to break free of my exhaustion and indifference and decide that even though I didn't know how to change, that I needed to start wanting it. And change is hard until, staying the same is harder. Bam, so I prayed to know what I needed to do to start the change process. So I made several lists. Listing things that I needed to do, commitments that needed to still be fulfilled, unfinished projects, emails and texts that needed responding, people that needed thanking, and lastly, things I desperately wanted to do... like paint, read self help books, take guitar lessons and practice the piano, finally plant a garden in my old greenhouse and take London to the beach. Then I just let it all sit there on the paper for a while, extraordinarily daunted. So I took out the scissors and cut about three more inches off my own hair for starters. Long true story. That's when anxiety hit, for nearly all of February.

(Part 2: Here is where I am picking up tonight, Thursday, March 13, 2014)

It is hard for me to remember where I was going with this blog post 2 weeks ago. My headspace has actually changed quite a bit since then. So I am going to try to pick it up from here. The list wasn't magically crossed off. That's when I realized that in addition to the things I needed to do, there actually was a list of things I needed to not do, or stop doing. I wrote those down. I also looked at those for a while and wondered how I would stop doing them, this was going to be hard. I realized that many of those things I needed to stop doing were standing in the way of the things that I needed to start doing. And thus here we run into the struggle of change. I decided there were five things I really really really wanted to do, become or change, and essentially if I could change them, then the mass of to-do's on my to-do list would likely take care of themselves or just be done.


1. Be on time: My due date was May 20th... I arrived to Earth two weeks later, June 2, 1983, my poor mother. Truth be told I haven't been able to catch up since. Being on time, or should I say running late, is a chronic problem in my life that effects many opportunities and relationships, and ultimately my self-worth. So much of my internal disappointment with myself stems from never being able to keep up and letting people down. I'm hard on myself about this. Others are beyond frustrated with me about my tardiness, and yet I am still late. Some people might cut me some slack saying "having kids slows you down", and while it's incredibly true, I have to own the fact that I was slow, and falling behind long before London. It is a real problem, it's a wonder that I have accomplished what I have. Despite my sincere efforts to get out the door on time, I have failed. Essentially, this is an issue rooted in my character, this is where my focus is, which leads me to number 2.

2. Say No: I have made the connection, that number one is a close relative of number 2. Generally my inability to be everywhere I said I would be on time, is because I struggle to say no. I overcommit. Overcommitting has been a life long habit. I don't know where it came from, trying to be everything to everyone has been how I connected to my own approval. Do things right a couple times, make people happy, and before you know it you're addicted, addicted to yes. There is a quote floating around saying something like "say yes and you'll figure it out later". Because People that say yes are go getters! movers and shakers! ambitious! working! rich! Famous! Followed! Commented! Popular! Liked! Loved! This is the mentality of the business I am in. This is the mentality of the society we are in. We all work so hard to get a break, that we just say yes, in fear of the lost opportunity, in fear of lost approval, of lost "love".  Truth be told, Yes can ruin your life.  I am discovering with each passing day that while yes is easier to say it is so much harder to do, and while no is so hard to say, it's much easier to do. This isn't about taking the easy way, but being real, being honest, with others and ourselves. Will we really be able to follow through? How will saying yes to everything cause conflict with other commitments? If we say no, what if we disappoint? Will we still be worthy, valuable, important, love-able... to others, to ourselves? Seems extreme, but I think this is the stuff we sometimes don't want to own as real, the truth, the root. I know I don't, but I am ready to change, so I am trying.

3. Be decisive: Wouldn't you know that number 3 is a cousin to 1 and 2. Indecision is paralyzing. Nothing stalls one quite like the inability to make a choice. Everything from detergent or toothpaste, to a set list, or what to say on the caption of an instagram, to how to respond to a text, what task I will complete during nap time, what I am going to wear to church, should I stay or should I go, should I be quiet, should I speak up, was that right, was I wrong? Too many options, so much second guessing, not enough trust in my instincts, in the spirit. Scared I will make the wrong choice. Often by the time I do choose I am out of time and forced to just settle on something. Settling, sucks. Settling generally causes regret, which causes less confidence in our ability to choose, and around and round we go.  Sometimes it's a choice of yes or no, will you do this? No could rock the boat, no would ruin my reputation of being dependable, being the hero, being a super human, just say yes. I have decided (look at me!) that a great deal of indecision comes from a fear of what others will think. Again, all of these changes are rooted in character. These are the hardest changes.

4. Listen : You may have noticed that I have a lot to say. Sorry, working on it. All this time I've thought that I was this great communicator, turns out I am a crap listener. Just because I know how to express myself, my feelings and emotions, doesn't make me a good communicator, it makes me kind of  self centered. Talking isn't communicating, sure it's part of it, but it is the lesser part. If we truly hope to connect with someone, it will be because we listened to them, heard them, empathized with them and sought to understand them, with out making it about ourselves, with out thinking about what we are going to say next, with out having to tell them how they should be different. Yes it is important to respond, and yet responding with validation is a delicate balance, without turning it into something about us. I fail at this hard. My mom is one of the best listeners I know, she listens, asks questions, repeats the thing you said to be clear that she understood correctly. When she meets someone she immediately asks them questions about themselves, and then she listens, with her ears, with her eyes, with her heart. People love my mom, because she listens. I want to listen. I want to shut my big yapper and open my ears and my heart, and take it in, and just be there, and maybe, if I am asked, respond with something from my story that helps the other feel not alone. Listening can change our lives, marriages, friendships, businesses and spirituality. Listening doesn't come easily to me, I want to listen.

5. Mindfulness: In other words, put the damn phone down. I don't say the D word, but sometimes it's necessary. The impulsive phone checking, in the middle of a sentence with our spouse or a friend, while we are with our babies. Being here now, such a test of our day. We see people in the cars swerving down the freeway, staring at their phone. Day after day, it seems we're all putting our lives, our relationships and our families on the line, in danger all for what's in the phone, and the psuedo-connection we find on the internet. Does it scare you like it does me? I'm dependent like the rest of them. It's fun, and it's an escape, and at times totally helpful and necessary. But, I worry about it's influence on my life, my family, my daughter. She is 21 months, she knows how to get to youtube and flip through videos of elmo. Is this a life saver in Target? Yes, but does it frighten me that she isn't even two and all day she just wants to hold my phone and press buttons and stare at the screen? Yes, yes it does. We're always looking down, in a trance, in restaurants, in the check out line, in bedrooms and dinner tables. I want to be in the moment. Instead of always checking, comparing, always pinning, wishing our living room looked minimalist but colorful, understated yet eclectic, that if we did these 5 moves our butts could look like victoria secret models and that if we just had that pair of leopard booties our wardrobe and life would be complete. Consumed by consumerism. I spend more I want more, and it never ends. I want to look up. I want to spend less, I want to get more out of my real life with my real family. I want to see it, feel it and realize as often as possible, how grateful I am. Documenting is wonderful, connecting is awesome, but where do I draw the line. Working on it. Mindfullness.

Each of these are their own posts. And with all that said, I realize many of these changes, and many of the struggles mentioned in this post are rooted in perfectionism. An addiction and real struggle unto itself. I am reading this beautiful wonderful book called "the gifts of imperfection". It is so insightful, uplifting and helpful and I would highly recommend it. If you are reading this and find yourself in similar struggles, you are not alone. Maybe pick up the book, say a prayer, find some self compassion, seek gratitude. We can change. 

JAMM: SOMETIMES LOVE...

Hello there! You have two options, you could either, one,  just watch the JAMM above and move along your merry way, the more time efficient option. Or two, you could watch the JAMM and read my 2 a.m. attempt at breaking down my productivity issues. Totally up to you, choose your own adventure : )

Sometimes Love, track 10 on High Hopes and Heartbreak, my full length post idol record. Can you believe that it's been over four years ago that I put it out into the universe? I love this old song, it's probably considered a B-side, it sits quietly near the end, those are always my favorites. I wrote it with Kelley Lovelace in Nashville. This song felt so right when we wrote it. It was a one take wonder in the studio. I remember sitting down at the piano with a microphone in front of my face, surrounded by the band. We hit record, I counted to four and played it and sang it, all of it happening all at once. One take, that was all it needed. I'll never forget that magic moment. Lucky to have had it. This song is special... listen to the words. Proud of these ones...

HOW TO SURVIVE A FRIEND BREAK-UP....

About six months ago I quickly scribbled a bunch of thoughts I felt inspired to share on a piece of paper, then I folded it in half and stuck it behind a box for a time I was ready. I found it tonight, so I think it's time. It's probably going to be long.

They say that breaking up is hard to do... there is a wealth of information out there on how to deal with the end of a romantic relationship, divorce or a separation with a lover. But what about when something goes wrong in an important friendship? It's a topic that I haven't seen a lot of talk about. I am ready to talk about it.

A friend break-up can be just as traumatic as the unraveling of a romantic relationship... we are left with a lot of loose ends, and the end of a friendship can dramatically change the landscape of your life, particularly if you live far away from your family...

JAMM: FLY FLY FLY

You will notice a cute Londy Loo, waddling around the background in this one. Motherhood and Music must exist in the same room, as I always hoped it would, and I'm grateful that it does :) You will also noticed I said "forget" twice in the bridge, I mean't "regret" the second time. (important lyric distinction)

If you were to ask most singers, they would tell ya that they prefer to sing ballads. Why? 

Probably because they contain more emotion, and the slower pace makes it easier to give it the inflection and feeling it needs to really find it's soul and connect with the lyric. In a way, it's easier-ish, kind of. An up tempo tune with the wrong arrangement was usually the kiss of death on American Idol. That is why everyone is singing slow songs, if you were wondering:) It is deceptively hard to perform fast songs and pull it off.  I mean don't get me wrong, when it comes to listening to records, I prefer something peppy, something with a solid beat that makes me wanna dance and let my hair down. Yes I do love to rock. And if I am in the studio, putting together an upbeat track is the greatest! But making it happen live, different story. Be it fast or slow, singing really well while also connecting really well while also playing an instrument really well, and picking or writing a song really well... is well, really quite tricky! I just keep working at it... someday I might get "there"!

As I mentioned last week, I also wrote this song for Banner 4th of July. The inspiration was fully present in writing this one. It is definitely my favorite song of the two, and certainly my favorite scene in the movie with Christian Campbell. I am posting half of the scene below that mjsbigblog put up on Youtube, (thanks MJBB!). This was the song that she had written just before the band split. She was feeling the need to "go find her way all on her own". But it's never really that easy, leaving the familiar, the family, the place you've always known, and it almost always hurts the ones you leave behind, and that is the hardest part. We all go through this at some point in our lives whether it's a place, a relationship or even a job, sometimes you got to fly fly fly away... and yet those places and people and things will always be a part of who you are. 

At this point in the story, years have passed, feelings are hurt, a brother and sister damaged by the distance and a misunderstood past. This song is the healer. As it always does, the music is what says what she has never been able to say, and it speaks to him what he's never been able to hear. It transcends who's wrong and who's right... it's the language that the heart can understand.

We usually never intend on hurting the ones we love, and yet so often we do... it's a bummer. Life is complicated, and so much get's lost in misunderstanding. How do we make it right? Time? Saying a sincere I'm sorry? Letting go of pride, failed expectations? Sometimes we just let it be. 

In this case, Desiree Banner makes it right with a song. And in many of my own cases, I do too... or at least, I try.

PS- Thank you and happy birthday to the lovely miss Priscilla Chang for capturing this video for me, and for helping me get my JAMM back!

PSS- Oh and yes, FLY FLY FLY is available on itunes! yay!

SO MUCH...

So much has happened. I've missed the last three weeks of "just another music monday". I just couldn't pull it off amongst the chaos. I know it's not the end of the world, it's not like the New York times front page headline  exclaims "brookie babble fails to post just another music monday three weeks in a row, a real disappointment". I know it's just a really small thing I'm doing in my living room, but I kinda need to be doing it for reasons i'm not really sure of. I will get back on track...  next monday... or tuesday, okay, probably wednesday.

A dear family member has just experienced an unthinkable tragedy, I have been grieving hard with a heavy heavy heart for, and alongside her for the last few days. I am reminded that we just absolutely can not take this life and our relationships for granted. We are all so vulnerable. We just have to love people dang it,  we have to love our families, our lives, our homes, ourselves, our God. just love, as much as we can, for as long as we get.

On a significantly incredibly less important note, I cleaned out a closet, and in that closet was ten years worth of shoes.  As you can see from the picture below, I have a hard time partin' with my footwear, but it was time. Honestly it was the last thing that didn't even make it on my to-do list, but every time I opened that darn closet, shoes would literally come a flyin' at my head, so after being attacked by a falling heel one day I just started chucking them into a pile. Luckily I had my trusty little side kick, the Loo, to help me get control of the madness. Mostly she just sat there and smiled and tried to chew on the heels of some gnarly old shoes, but man is she cute. I didn't part with as many pairs as I should have but, it's a start, and it feels good. 

Before this happened, the girls with glasses took over my house and kaboom... it kinda looks like it exploded. Every wall was painted a different color, every piece of furniture has been relocated to random places and I think it might take the rest of 2013 to put it back together again. I don't remember feeling this bonkerz in a long time. However, we had a legit crew, and these are going to be our finest looking videos, we're excited. Details to come, stay tuned...

I teamed up with my gal pal, Ashley, the one and only little miss momma and did a little tu-tu-torial for the  boho crown braid, aka, my go to hairstyle for day two hair, or three or four... like cheese, or leather, it basically  gets better with time, live in it, sleep in it, drive with the windows down in it, and before you know it a bird has landed in it and found itself a nest, and that's when you know it's time to take it down and start all over again. See it, follow it, do it... step by step over on Little miss momma...

It's been a crazy time, but I love my family, and art, and music, and while life is stinkin hard, it is beautiful too, and I love it. Thanks to you all for watching my music mondays, for reading my jibberish and for caring. There is more, so much more, but it is time for bed. Goodnight.

JUST ANOTHER MUSIC MONDAY: HERE NOW

About four years ago I was writing songs, all day, every day for several days...

Then one day... BAM. I hit a wall. I had nothing left. 

Writers block they call it. I had it, and it bummed me out hard. What if I was never going to be able to write another song again? What did this mean? Was my life void of inspiration, passion and experience? Months went by, I read the artist way (life changing, you should read it), I wrote morning pages, wrote a gratitude journal took myself on artist dates to the Getty, got a sketch pad and sketched a bunch of hands and eyeballs, flowers in vases and mickey mouse, spent more time serving at church, I walked several laps around the lake at balboa park and listened to a lot of Joni Mitchell... I even attempted, quiet time... that was weird. I wondered if maybe I was trying too hard, and then some days I wondered if I was trying hard enough. 

I'd sit down behind the piano, hours would pass, a blank open page of my notebook staring me down... but there was nothing. So I pulled out the guitar, and spent a lot of time just, holding it... but there was nothing. I spent a lot of time obsessing over the fear that I was never going to be able to write again.  I went about life on autopilot, doing a lot of stuff, but in my mind became a hostage to my dramatic, fear based thoughts. I reminisced of the days when I had something to say, something to play... and started questioning my choices. 

I had to keep reading this... 

Panic. Despair. I quit...

Kinda, but not really. Quitting never lasts long for me. I did pray, for songs, or for acceptance that there would be no more songs, maybe it just wasn't what I was supposed to do anymore.

Fast forward a while, I can't recall how long. I played a lot of gigs, sang the songs I had. I was sitting in front of the mirror blow drying my hair with a round brush when it came... 

fast forward then rewind

look ahead and look behind...

In a rush of excitement, I dropped the hair dryer and the brush like a hot potato and I ran to my keyboard... the intro was instant, I found the chords to support the melody that the words delivered to me. But then there was more...

present moment never lingers

time will slip right through your fingers

when... you're not livin' 

and everything, you've been missin'

you can't take back again...

And that was it. That was all I could get. Gah. For the next several weeks I would spend a few hours a day, staring at that verse, trying to figure out where it wanted to go next...

Months passed by, and I had gotten a call from a friend of mine in Nashville, Chris Oglesby, he connects writers, and was responsible for setting up some of my most successful co-writes. He wondered if I wanted to write with this guy "Busbee", Mike Busbee, who lived in Laurel Canyon. I figured maybe it'd be a good idea to get back to co-writing, so I said yes. That day I brought this song I had been working on... I played it for Busbee. I moved over, He sat at the piano and started singing... 

"How long, How long, till we've figured out, that we're here now"

"How long, How long, till we turn around and it's all gone, will we wish that we were still here now"

It was perfect. We finished the song in a little over an hour. That afternoon he created and we recorded potentially one of the greatest demos I've ever made, just a piano, vocal and strings. It just felt, true.

I popped the disc of the demo into my cd player and listened to it on repeat during the long drive home through the canyon. I was raw with emotion. I realized the song was schooling me...

I was waiting. We all are waiting. Waiting for that day when we'll finally be happy...

when we write a song.

when we get our braces off

when we graduate.

when we get married.

when we pay off the credit card.

when we get pregnant.

when we get some sleep

when we lose ten pounds

when we get a record deal

when we move out of the crappy apartment

when we remodel the kitchen
when we get our pay check and we can go buy more stuff

when we get a tan

when we quit workin' for the man...

when we get that apology

Really? I don't know, maybe we will be happier... for a minute, and then on to the next thing.

Or we get stuck in the past, we spend our precious minutes on regrets, wishing we had or hadn't, or we coulda shoulda, fantasizing we could rewrite history, or reminiscing a time we thought it had it all.

Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting it is wrong to learn from our past, or to dream, or strive for a better future. It is actually really important, goals are great, change is necessary. 

But, what about now, what about this moment that we are in?! If we are stuck in yesterday or living for tomorrow, we totally miss out on today. And today is the best day ever, because it's what we got. And when it's gone, it's gone. 

Yep, Life is hard, it has it's disappointments and super crappy let downs, and we tell ourselves "the best is yet to come", but until then, maybe we can still be happy now.

And when I say "we", I kinda mean "me". Feel free to join me, let's be here now.

I've been saving this song... maybe the next record :)

JUST ANOTHER MUSIC MONDAY: FIRE & RAIN

Well hello...

I've got so much I've got to tell you. A whole lot of blog posts just stock piling in the noggin, but not much time, or gumption to let them find their way out. I will spare you the blah blah blah about how 2012 was really hard, and how 2013 was all about starting over and going to be the most triumphant year ever...  and then there was the flooding of the kitchen, a flat tire on the way back to California, a traumatic trip to the ER with a monster of a kidney stone, the cold and the hacking cough, the flu and all it's goobers and snot (sorry, keep reading, it get's better), and now the Loo has had four scary days of fevers over 104 and a double dose of ear infections. I know, "cry me a river", "could be worse", "so much to be grateful for", but it seems to be one thing after another for many many moons now... 

That all being said, there seems to be silver linings all along the way, or maybe I just have to believe that, and be that kind of girl, the kind that always must find a reason, a lesson and wrap the crap up in a beautiful bow. But hey, it's only February, I'm still holding out hope, there is still time! Surely there is something to be learned from trial and pain... I think. No, I know...

Gosh I hope I'm learning. 

And yet amongst the darkness and shadow is this incredible beaming light that shines through... that light being my lil' London June. She sparkles so brightly, illuminating our path and truly showing us the way. She makes even the crappiest days seem simultaneously the happiest. Thank the good Lord for a baby.

Like I told you, so many blog posts. I'd love to give them a life eventually... 

Honestly, I'd really like to spend more time here, on the blog, writing about things that matter. Because I've recently come to a strong realization, perhaps even a revelation; and seeing as I've been writing songs for nearly a decade now, it may seem obvious, but... may I be so bold to declare, I am a writer. And when I say that, I don't mean, I'm a Grammar technician (you've probably gathered that with all my run on sentences and dot dot dots), a novelist or a poet. But I have stories to tell, a lot of them. Hmmm, On second thought, maybe scratch the "writer" bit, and may I exchange that title for that of,  a story teller. A teller of true stories for the most part, and therein lies the problem, or challenge. I suppose I have held off writing many of these stories because I am trying to sort out my boundaries, what to say and how to say it and why I'm saying it, and what I will keep locked up in the sacred chamber. Which stories are mine to tell, and which stories also belong to the characters with in it, and they are more then mere characters, but real people, who I feel necessary to respect and protect. However, as one who is constantly striving and or tortured with being a perpetuator of truth, I yearn to give my most authentic self, and paint a picture of an honest life, with all it's roses and thorns. But like unto my great social media addiction, Instagram, sometimes we must put a filter on it. 

So until I've got it all that serious shtuff figured out, I thought I'd simply sing you songs. One of those posts will be about the music, and where it is going... I don't have that answer yet. But I have music, it is still rushing through my veins like blood. It sustains me and keeps me alive. And I've got an iphone camera...

Every Monday I am going to post a song here on the blog, and it shall be called "JUST ANOTHER MUSIC MONDAY". Sometimes it will be an original, something I'm working on, and sometimes it will be something someone else has written, or something that is tried and true. There may even be some guests joining me. Today, I am playing for you "fire and rain", a song by one of my most beloved artists, James Taylor. His humble voice is like a warm blanket, a dear friend, offering me comfort and sustenance along the journey.

Just a few days into the new year, I had the rare experience of taking a shower by myself. Now allow me to explain, I usually put my big baby girl in her tiny tub and stick her in the shower with me and that is how I manage to keep the both of us clean. But one evening Dave the dad suggested she watch the game with him while I shower solo. I set up my ipod doc and plugged in my old iphone. There wasn't a hesitation about what to listen to. I scrolled down to the J's and landed on my trusty 'ol JT. Greatest Hit's number one would be my selection. As I stood in the shower and let the hot water hit my tired head that housed my burnt out brain, I just stood there as the first few picks on the guitar of "Something in the way she moved" played and eased every last uneasy part of me and stressful thought. I sang along with my eyes closed. I didn't wash my hair, or shave my legs, I just stood there and sang every song from something in the way she moves to steam roller blues. But it was during "Fire and Rain" that I sang out from the depths, tearfully and loudly, as if I owned it, as if I wrote it, as if it was my story. In that moment, Fire and Rain was there for me in a way that almost nothing or no one could be. The moment was a gift from God. I know James Taylor paid a high price for fire and rain, but how grateful I was, how grateful I am, to him for paying it. 

And with that, I give you a much humbler version, at the piano, not in the shower. Please forgive my super elementary editing skills,  this video has got beginner written all over it, with format issues galore, couldn't figure out how to fix it, but nonetheless I feel like I'm gonna show it to you anyway :)

HEAVY BUT WE FLOAT...

It's 4:10 in the am and I have given up... on sleep, on dreams, on control. Sounds irrational, thoughts usually are around this time. 

Over an hour ago I was awoken (or is it awaken? honestly, grammar is at the bottom of the totem poll right about now) by the routine reminder that my bladder is intensely full. I try to muster up the gumption and motivation to roll from my right side, to my back, and then all the way over to my left side, then attempt to tumble my body over the edge of the bed, in hopes that my feet hit the floor... will I land it? I'm like an eight month pregnant gymnast with the agility of a turtle planning her dismount... no, I'm not looking for the gold, just the toliet. It's perplexing to me how difficult a task this has become for my body... it's as if I've come face to face with the summit of Mount Everest... 

I feel heavy... physically... mentally.

And in those less then twenty routine steps to the bathroom, I've thought as many as a hundred fragmented thoughts that I don't know what to do with...

"you should probably just give up music"

"you don't have a car seat yet... but you already signed that paper at the hospital that you would have the seat, properly installed in your car... you gotta get on that, like, NOW!!!!"

"how many rolls of toliet paper do we have left?"

"If you don't take that meeting in New York next week you can likely kiss that opportunity good-bye... but what if you give birth on the airplane? do they do epidurals on airplanes?"

"what's happening to the thighs?"

"BABY CPR... that is important... YouTube it"

"Hey, all the underwear is in the dryer down in the garage, they've been there since... last week-ish... seriously, what are you gonna do when you have kids"

"oh c'mon, you know you can't give up music"

"the curtains in the nursery would be so cute with that pom-pom garland sewn on the edges that I saw on pinterest"

"Girls with Glasses..."

"you're probably never gonna sleep again"

"if you actually practiced the guitar, you'd probably be decent at it"

"maybe dave would appreciate something other then frosted mini wheats for dinner"

"you haven't read the scriptures in a long time"

"and... why do you keep buying lettuce, you know you're never gonna make the salad"

"remember how you paid $80 for pre-natal yoga classes... haven't been in over a month"

"you probably can't put the baby in the van with the band and drive around the country... but you can't leave her... you'll figure it out"

"Is it my turn to 'draw something'?"

"you are almost a year away from 30"

"I could be a way better friend... never called Monika"

"man i miss friday night lights"

"you're having a baby"

"maybe you should bolt the windows shut so she can't fall out of them"

"American Idol was crazy"

"I know I can do this, but can I do this?"

"luckily Dave is so emotionally stable"

"this bathroom has been cleaned like twice since you moved in"

"things will change"

"it's going to be hard... you are going to LOVE her"

Seriously, all of that. I turn my head to see that ugly clock light glowing in the dark... it's 3:02 am, looks like the un-purchased, uninstalled car seat will have to wait until the morning... but it is morning... Let's give it a couple more hours, or at least until Target opens... 8 am.

After unloading what felt like less then a mere teaspoon of tinkle (sounds silly to say tinkle, but I don't love the word 'urine' either), I stumble back over to the bed, and gear up to get back in... position the body pillow on the left, the small pillow on the right, the tempurpedic pillow under the king pillow and then try to nestle somewhere in the middle of it all, one of the pillows falls overboard, do I have it in me to pick it up? My head says try, but my hips say no. After nearly twenty minutes of readjusting and tossing too and fro, I realize that likely there is no comfortable way to do this. I look over at Dave, he is sleeping hardcore... I stare in envy. It is one of his gifts... it is not mine. I am happy for him... sleep while you can my dear, sleep while you can.

I lay there for a while, wrestling more consciously with those thoughts... and, I don't know. I just don't know. And I try tell myself that it is okay that I don't know. I try to be okay with being okay with not knowing. And then I realize I'm not, but that it's nearly 4 am, and perhaps this is not the best time to try to logically have it all worked out, nor will there likely be a good time. I'm not the first soon to be parent worried about how I'm going to do it, and I won't be the last... So I get out of bed, and here I sit, typing a blog that potentially I will read back when I'm in a more coherent state of being, and wonder why I thought it was a good idea to blast all these thoughts into the blogosphere. I'll want to delete it, but then I won't... 

I'm looking out the window, and the sky is becoming brighter. I already feel better. 

Jack wrote this song called "Heavy but we float"... and in this moment, in one of my heavier moments, I am weighed down by nearly thirty extra pounds and a world of fears and unknowns...  I feel this lil' person moving around within this belly, and with her small swift kick there is this thought "what you really don't know is just how much you are going to love her"... 

And I'm so thankful this is happening.... and I'm floatin'... like a feather.

FACING FEAR...

I have fears... big ones, little ones, medium sized ones... served up like different size fries you order at McD's... "hi, ummm... i'll take the x-small fears please".

I have always been one that has been excessively afraid of a lot of things, from canned tuna and mayo to roller coasters, small fingers getting slammed in doors, teenagers, traffic jams under overpasses, halloween music, throwing up, clowns, escalators on the way down, and trips to the OB/GYN. The dark was always frightening to me, which is why my sister Katie Boo and I always shared the top bunk of our twin bunk beds. Seriously, till I was 17, when I moved out and had to sleep in my own bed in California, it was a traumatic transition to not have the boo by my side. I am not sure if it was the dark I was afraid of, or more of what I couldn't see in the dark, or what I might see... a ghost? I was scared of those too. Still am...

Then there are the serious things, stuff I don't even like to speak of or talk about out loud, the thoughts that torment my mind, what if's, worst case scenarios... generally involving loved ones, actually always including loved ones. Even the slightest idea of loss, or them getting hurt, physically, emotionally, spiritually is enough to create insta-puddles in my eye balls.  These terrible inner torments can wake me just fifteen minutes into a mid-day Sunday nap. That is when it seems to strike, woken by the intense thud of my heartbeat beneath my chest, nearly to an audible level, like an internal fire alarm. The sound of anxiety... knowing that in life we are all vulnerable to such things.

Way back when, over the Christmas holiday, I came face to face with a fear, not the serious kind I spoke of before, but a medium sized-not so serious-but still quite scary kind of fear. My job requires me to do a  fairly daunting thing on the regular, something that most people avoid like the plague, and for good reason... singing, performing, speaking and entertaining people is a really freaky thing.

Yes, it is a job that pretty much causes anxiety to reside permanently in the pit of my tummy. The kind that makes you feel like you might need to run to the bathroom real quick. Sounds fun doesn't it? It is... sorta.

I've always believed that I would never be able to sing the National Anthem. Not because of a lack of patriotism, indeed I'm proud to be an American but quite frankly the song scared the crap out of me to sing, (as does "oh holy night").  I have always sincerely believed with all my heart, that my 4-note ranged rhaspy vocalizer lacked the chops and capability to sing the it in a way that is honorable and respectful to the tune in front of stadiums of people... acapella.

Not to mention, in this day in age, if you mess it up, it's on the YouTube forever. (Kinda like this video that David Cook showed to me when we were on Idol, I'm sorry, no disrespect, bless the  heart of Carl Lewis, I find it amazing, and it has cheered me up on many sad days)

I have been asked to sing the Star Spangle banner probably close to twenty times at some pretty legit sporting events that would allow me national television exposure and Dave Ray CPA to live his dream of enjoying floor seats, box suites, meet players and eat free hotdogs.... and up until now I have dashed those hopes and dreams and turned down the Anthem about twenty times. It was a contentious subject between us, I would explain "you're totally worth it, I just can't do it, basically it's the musical equivalent to jumping out of an airplane" Another fear I can confidently state that i will not be facing, ever, and I'm cool with that.

So short story turned long, I got a call from the Phoenix Suns the week before Christmas, they heard I was going to be in town, and was wondering if I could sing the National Anthem at the first game of the season the day after Christmas... My first instinct was to say no, like I had done the twenty times before, but then I had realized that I had yet to find Dave a gift for Christmas... I was struck with "crappy wife" guilt and starting thinking about how many times he missed out on cool games, and much it would mean to Dave if I took this opportunity in the face of fear so that he could see his Sun's play! It was SO the perfect present... so I told them, "maybe, let me think about it"... the thought made me feel sick inside. Fear does that...

I decided I had to sing it for someone, I needed and honest third party opinion. I had sang it for myself hundreds of times in the shower trying to convince my disbelieving heart that I could do it, only to be embarrassed for what the shampoo and conditioner heard. Jack happened to be at my house the day I got the call, we were finishing the EP. I told him, "Jack, you MUST tell me the truth", he said he would, after recording two records there's no BS going on in Jack and White. I sang it for him, it wasn't perfect, it was a bit shaky, but he said "Do it Brooke! You gotta do it!".

So I called back those Phoenix Suns and I told them YES. Aaahhhh! I wanted to throw-up (secondary fear). But then I thought about how stinkin' cool it was gonna be for Dave and my family to go sit in fancy seats at the game. So in secret I practiced, I told myself I could do it, I thought positive thoughts, and I imagined it going well. What was the worst that could happen? My voice would crack? I could forget the words? Then I remembered, Oh yeah, been there done that, in front of forty million people this one time on American Idol. I survived and the world kept turning, and VH1 turned it into a best week ever skit, sweet.

The day after Christmas came faster then I hoped, Dave could hardly believe that his dream was coming true! Ah that was a good feeling that fueled my fire and gave me a good reason to do something I was truly beyond scared of. Love does that...

Game time was upon us, with my whole family cheering me on we drove to the arena and were greeted by our host. I was surprised at how calm I felt, still scared, but calm. I had prayed a thousand prayers that day, sang it for my sister in the bathroom and now it was time to punch my fear in the face good and hard. They gave me an awesome Steve Nash t-shirt that stretched tight across my growing baby belly. Thankfully they also provided me with an awesome purple Sun's jacket to cover up my protruding belly button that demands to be acknowledged (i've tried everything to get this navel to calm down, band-aids, duct tape etc... no luck, so now I just dare people to push it, i'm weird). We stood underneath the tunnel and cheered as we watched the players run through, we saw Steve Nash, he is so cool.

They led me to the court, my family hugged me and took their seats, Dave gave me a quick kiss and told me "you got this", I could tell that even he was freakin' out a little for me. I was too. I had recorded my first note on my iPhone, this was crucial, if I started on the wrong note i'd be sure to have a Carl Lewis "Rockets red glare" moment. I listened quickly and handed it off to the gentleman who then gave me a microphone, I hummed it as I heard them call my name, the crowd was cheering, the room went dark as a spotlight beamed down on me, my heart was beating like a timpany drum, I was pretty sure you could hear it pulse through the microphone I was holding in my shaking hand. I took a breath, closed my eyes, my throat tightened and I started to sing "Oh say can you see!" I don't remember much after that, except for a humbling effect of the song, the high notes were high and the low notes were low... I remember nearing the big note, the one I had feared the most "for the land of the FREE!", and hearing someone cheer "yeah!" and then the home of the brave and it was all over, just like that! NO WAY, I did it! I had no idea if it was good, but I did it! Dave was proud, strangers gave me high fives, my family cheered! I admit, it felt victorious...

My brothers girlfriend had taken a video of it with her iPhone, against my usual will, my dad talked me into to watching it back... boy I was relieved! It wasn't anything fancy, quite simple, but on pitch and I had remembered the words 99 percent correctly.



A dear friend that knows me well asked me the next day on facebook how I've managed to do things I'm scared of, I don't really know... truth is I don't like facing my fears anymore then the next guy or gal. Believe me I  usually take all measures to resist the stuff I'm afraid of, But there may be something that I dislike even more, and that is being controlled by fear, letting it take the wheel that directs my course, cause it usually means that I stop progressing, that I miss out on opportunities, that I don't get to have the experience, that I don't become what I'm supposed to become...  I then live with the regret of knowing that I didn't do the thing I should of done because I was scared, and that is a feeling I fear more then fear itself. Sometimes it takes being forced to the edge, being faced with an ultimatum that shows you what you're made of, like jumping to safety from a burning building. Then there are times that we do it for the thrill. And Sometimes you don't do it for you, you do it for your sports nut husband, or you go to the OB/GYN for your scary invasive check-ups for that baby girl in your belly cause you'll do absolutely anything and everything you can to make sure she is healthy and ok, and you will labor through pain to hold her in your arms. Whatever the reason may be, we find one that is bigger then the fear, we find a little courage and we just do it, and somehow we survive...

I've discovered, Generally if an opportunity scares me a little bit, even a lot, then it's a good indicator that I need to take it... And there is nothing quite like doing the thing you thought you couldn't do. 

HOW TO BE ALONE...

Have you seen this? Apparently millions have, I have not until five minutes ago... and that is precisely how long the video is. Obviously it impacted me enough to immediately feel the need to post it and share it with ya...

Sometimes we must be alone, whether it is self imposed or not of our choice, it can be both a place of comfort and emptiness... I've been there, and likely you have too... and that is okay, if not vital. 

This is just something beautiful... an insightful interesting perspective...

PS- Should you go into the woods or city alone, please be very careful :-)

THE LIL' LIST...

I'm all about the Lil' list these days. I used to create these mammoth daily lists for myself,  they went on and on forever and ever... basically the short hand version would probably of been something like:

TO DO:

PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING THAT'S EVER NEEDED TO BE DONE BY THE END OF TODAY

This approach is a big frowny face No-win. I always felt overwhelmed by the list and disappointed in my non-ability to be super woman and accomplish all things in a twenty four hour period. Not to mention the inevitable burn out. I over promised to myself, and under delivered, and if there is anything that I should of learned during my two years of employment trying to sell shoes to highly maintained ladies of entitlement and granting returns of fifteen year old used bras in customer service at Nordstroms, it was "Under promise and over deliver". 

As I get a little bit older, I get a little more realistic... not a lot more, but a little. I am realizing that there is just not enough time to fulfill all my wild ambitions and expectations, I so sincerely want to do it all, and I want to do it really well... and it bums me out that I can't. I want to say, YES YES YES! It is such an easy word to say, and yet such a hard word to do. This becomes a habit in the business of life and dream achieving where your success depends on taking advantage of every good opportunity, and they all seem good don't they? My manager Brad has coined the phrase for me "always trying to fit ten gallons into a five gallon bucket". It made me chuckle and yet I continued living a life of overdoing,   and over promising and well... 

The bucket broke.

Lesson slowly learned... success is obtained by setting small achievable goals. Eating the elephant one bite at a time as they say. That is where the Lil' list comes in.  The rule: Keeping the number of items on the list to be done less then ten, and ideally no more then a handful of things. This forces me to get real with myself..."What is truly important today?"... starting with priorities, or sometimes urgencies, commitments to others and then perhaps if there is time, a few other small tasks that have a tendency to get over-looked... notice how I have to list "shower".

Truthfully, the Lil' list is changing my life. My productivity level is increasing, my sense of accomplishment rewards me with motivation and inner peace, I'm finishing more of the things I am starting, following through on the commitments I've made to others and myself... and not all at once, but one thing at a time, one day at a time. And let me say, there is nothing quite like crossing off those to-do's on your list, can I get an AMEN from the list makers?! 

Lastly, my level of awareness of how I CHOOSE to use my time is becoming more acute. I'm learning perhaps, that you can't say yes to everything and everyone all the time... I might even be coming to grips with the fact that sometimes, you just have to say NO... 

Now, saying the "NO" word is a whole other blog post unto itself... I'll put it on my list... the lil' one.

ARE YOU HAPPY...

Pinterest Find, although I tried to trace it back to it's origin and can't find it, would love to frame this and hang it up in a place I can always see it.

 Anywho it is brilliant and yet simple.... love it. Are you happy??