Monday, August 26, 2013

JAMM: SOMETIMES LOVE...


Hello there! You have two options, you could either, one,  just watch the JAMM above and move along your merry way, the more time efficient option. Or two, you could watch the JAMM and read my 2 a.m. attempt at breaking down my productivity issues. Totally up to you, choose your own adventure : )

Sometimes Love, track 10 on High Hopes and Heartbreak, my full length post idol recordCan you believe that it's been over four years ago that I put it out into the universe? I love this old song, it's probably considered a B-side, it sits quietly near the end, those are always my favorites. I wrote it with Kelley Lovelace in Nashville. This song felt so right when we wrote it. It was a one take wonder in the studio. I remember sitting down at the piano with a microphone in front of my face, surrounded by the band. We hit record, I counted to four and played it and sang it, all of it happening all at once. One take, that was all it needed. I'll never forget that magic moment. Lucky to have had it. This song is special... listen to the words. Proud of these ones...



Part 2...
"Done is better than Perfect"

I keep seeing this quote floating around, and finally I realized I kept seeing it, because I needed it.

My original goal was to post a song every monday, whether it was an original or a cover, familiar or brand new, polished or a little rough around the edges. It was about the music, the joy of it, it wasn't about money or numbers or perfection, just for me, and for you. But lately I am getting hung up on my imperfections, or finding little reasons why I can't put this or that up or finish lots of things I've started.  Just good enough has never been good enough for me. Kinda makes me twitch. Why be good enough when I can be great, just one more try, and another and another... Truth is, I'm just not a settler, and yet in my desire to not settle for less than the best, I get stuck, or stagnant, hyper focusing on the flaws. I can't be satisfied. Paralysis by Analysis, Dave calls it, or it's something he read maybe. Basically, overthinking. I overthink, over time, all the time. It's just wiping me out, trying to figure it all out. It's probably wiping you out just reading this. When it comes to putting myself out there, such as a you tube video of me singing and playing, I just don't want to throw something up to throw something up, I want it to feel intentional and connected. And then of course there's a bit of fear, of criticism, or judgement, when I already know, it's not perfect, not at all. But I think if I'm being honest with myself, part of the reason I am resistant to post is because, I haven't been at my personal best, why? Because I haven't put in the time, or at least enough time. You know, practice. And why haven't I put in the time? Because, of a lot of reasons. 

I'm always having talks with myself, with Dave, saying stuff like...

If I just had more time, if I just was more effective with my time... or if only I was faster...
If I was just more organized, more connected, If I just made a little more money, or spent less money...
If I could just stay focused on one thing...
If only I could be more decisive, concise, simple...
blah blah blah

But then I remember, this one reason, so big and so little...

This little one is my main reason for my lack of perfection or productivity in many other areas of life right now, and it's a really good reason, and I can't get down on myself about this reason, because she is my reason, my heart and my everything. I've never loved something more. I am a mom right now, to the cutest fifteen month old. A very curious, crazy-haired, vivacious, energetic, clingy, climby, hungry, screamy, strong willed and busy toddler, who's life is in my hands, the shaping of her spirit, the safety of her tiny body, growing at the speed of light, this time is short, so short. The toothy smiles and new words like baby and cheeze and jesus, and all her wild curiosity fill my days with happiness and loads of exhaustion. I just can't miss it, not to be the best singer, the best songwriter, or the best painter, the best social networker, the best girl with glasses or even the best friend. This is not to say that I'm not still striving to be those things, I am those things, and I love being those things...  I just might not be THE BEST, can't be the best, right now. And yet so much of my old identity is very much wrapped up in wearing all those hats, those hats I wear have always defined me. That part is tricky for me to separate, me and the hats, it's humbling, I'm learning, and London is the teacher.

The last few weeks I have been walking around in circles, staring at long lists of things, very few of them getting crossed off, emails unanswered, texts with out replies, and yet so much energy trying, I put in the work, and yet it never gets finished, thinking about it and worrying about it and feeling like I'm falling short, always falling short. Guilt, more guilt. Starting and then stopping, starting and then stopping, catching her before she falls, pulling coins and pebbles out of her mouth before she chokes, swooping her up when she is clinging to my ankles and yelling "mama!", picking up an endless trail of torn up pieces of toilet paper, random tupperware and toys. It all feels a little bit like washing the car in the rain. Then it just hit me, let it go... let it be, ha!

Let go of perfect Brooke. You can't do everything, you can't be everything to everyone all the time, your house won't always be clean, almost never. People might be disappointed. Ponds will be rippled. I knew this, but I forgot, I forget a lot.  But I think, no, yes I can, Because I am kind of a delusional person, and a lot of my success has hinged upon my belief in that delusion, the impossible dream has been the drive. But the dream is changing a bit, and having to find some compromise with reality.

So, Forgive me when I miss a week, or three or four of JAMM, or posting blogs. I know it's just a small thing, but I really care about it. And though it appears that I try, I'm deciding I'm not going to uphold this facade that I can do it all, perpetuate an image that isn't grounded in the truth, I can't. I love all of these things dearly, yes I'm creating new videos for the GWG, yes I'm working on a new record, these pieces of me, they are still there, I need them, I will nurture them when I can. But if they are at times neglected, it means that I am caring for and loving my greatest creation.  I will be here when I can. I will put up songs, sometimes I will stumble on a note or a key, sometimes there will be pterodactyl screams in the background, sometimes the audio quality will be subpar, my editing skillz will smell super amateur, but I will try to surrender to imperfection and still put them up anyway. I am going to  "just do it". Allowing the world to see me as I am, where I am, juggling, dropping balls like crazy. Still sharing my love for the music and the art but also a mother, very much mothering. This new role is a gift, such a gift, on it's own, in itself. Raising a child is productive. Can't forget it...  

I can't thank all of you enough for your support, seriously, read that sentence again. I am grateful to you, for reading, listening, commenting, connecting, sharing and feeling with me. Your responses on my friendship post, your personal stories, thanks for trusting me with them, they really healed me. I guess I needed that. Forgive me when I can't respond to every comment, message or email, here, there, facebook, instagram and beyond, but please know of my sincere appreciation, and the many ways you give me hope. I suppose this is why I still do all this. It ain't easy, but man I love it.



ps- with all that said, i've got a fun little light hearted hair tutorial video goin' up here soon. No long mom rants I promise. Just hair :-)

12 comments:

  1. Beautiful! Beautiful!
    From São Paulo, Brazil

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  2. The last few weeks I have been walking around in circles, staring at long lists of things, very few of them getting crossed off, emails unanswered, texts with out replies, and yet so much energy trying, I put in the work, and yet it never gets finished, thinking about it and worrying about it and feeling like I'm falling short, always falling short. Guilt, more guilt. Starting and then stopping, starting and then stopping, catching her before she falls, pulling coins and pebbles out of her mouth before she chokes, swooping her up when she is clinging to my ankles and yelling "mama!", picking up an endless trail of torn up pieces of toilet paper, random tupperware and toys. It all feels a little bit like washing the car in the rain. Then it just hit me, let it go... let it be, ha!

    There's a song in these words. I don't know of another one out there that speaks to that situation. It reminds me of Eminem's Lose Yourself, although I would not want you to doing hip hop. It's the young parenting situation that makes for the song, something people can relate to, whatever the genre.

    It's difficult being creative and getting your work out there. Music by nature is a collaboration, bands are a model for this, and there you are in your own world of parenting. But is there time you can jam with some excellent musicians? This is something Siobhan Magnus is doing now, using her Memphis connections to raise the bar, not only of who she is, but who she plays with. I shouldn't say this, but it is easy when you are Carrie Underwood doing country music, going through an opening where the money gets behind you right away. She was being sold country wide before she ever put out her first record. Like Eminem or any top singer, she keeps superb musicians behind her.

    You know better than I. My main message is for you to fight the good fight, know where you're going, and not give up.

    Yours,
    Rus

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  3. Brooke, that is what I love about you--that family is priority, that is what I feel, too, and that is the way it should be. I am a mom, a wife, and a grandma. I like that you came to the realization--'Let it Be'! You are such a talented, creative, wonderful person and I admire all you do. Just know that I, as one of your many fans, understand totally and are patient for whenever you are ready--just keep doing what you are doing--mommy/wife first, artist second. I will always be here for you,a loyal fan, when you are ready to sing, write,act,or whatever! And I love sweet Londy in the background or the foreground--it truly makes it even more special, real,and wonderful!

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing! I love JAMM, and I love the long rambly blog posts, too, but mostly I love that you can be real about what's going on in your life. "Done is better than perfect," is something I have to remind myself all the time, although I don't have a cute baby taking up my time, only bad TV to blame :) Looking forward to your next post...whenever it is!

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  5. I really cannot even read all of this, I am tearing up- I have 5 kids and I agree with everything I have read so far. Being a mom is learning who you are again and so much just gets to not be the best because of something better. It is just so hard to see it in the moment. It is actually very helpful for me to realize that I am not the only one who feels certain things as a mom and even though I don't consider being a mom as a sacrifice, because it's eternal and I enjoy my family so much, when I get into the "if I only..." then I realize there is sacrifice by my idea of what it is "normal" people do in their day. And when I get down on myself, it makes my kids feel bad- they love me no matter what, and so does my husband and my Heavenly Father- some great lessons I've had in that the past 5 years through a lot of me feeling my very worst and not enough. How great for you that you already are seeing this so soon into being a mom. And really, mom's who know they can't do it all, sure make the rest of us feel a lot more "Normal" :) thanks for reinforcing that. Maybe I'll have to come back and read the rest when I feel I won't break down crying.
    You are doing great and thanks for sharing your feelings so well.

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  6. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are amazing! The joy I feel watching/listening to, you; such as JAMM is such a joyful moment. But, raising a child, is a "beyond joyful" thing. As the father of 4, grandfathr of 6, and great grand father of 2 (so far) I will say this. You can not love your daughter too much! So take it easy on yourself, take a deep breath, and enjoy being a mother.

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  7. Simply beautiful Brooke, always a fan. ~Sammy

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  8. This will forever be one of my faves. I dealing love that whole album. You rock. Amen

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  9. You are wonderful! So creative, so filled with life it bubbles up out of you and touches everyone around you. Right now your realizing that the demands on your time and energy are exceeding the supply. It is something we all have had to face, especially when children arrive on the scene. You can ask for advice and help but, ultiimately you'll have to work this out for yourself. I can guarantee no matter what you decide someone won't like it. Don't take their comments to heart. Find your own way through. I have learned that in the times of struggle and difficulty is when I have learned how faithful my Heavenly Father is, and in the times of plenty when everything is going well I have found out how faithful I am. Maintain your prayer life! Whatever you do, don't let that slip away from you. and KNOW THIS! YOU ARE LOVED!

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  10. I feel like that a lot. My youngest is 3 now and I have had to come to the realization this past year that there are no more. I wish I would have fussed less about all the other stuff and fussed more over my tiny ones because all of the sudden I opened my eyes and they are 10, 8, 6, and 3. I'm learning that it's ok to pick a favorite hat and cherish it, while still having those other hats. Done IS better than perfect. You are doing great, girl. Keep your chin up.

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