Every once in a while, I let my memory wander back, today I got to thinking about when I was in Hollywood week on American Idol, it was hard to fathom that I'd actually had that Gold Ticket in my hand, that I had made it even that far. What most people don't realize at home is just how far you've already come in that stage of the game, an early stage, nonetheless farther then most ever get to be, from several thousands the number is whittled down to a few hundred, the odds are slim for all of us, just ask my accountant husband, he did the math. It is all very surreal, almost dream-like and you can't wrap your head around what is happening. There is almost a permanent anxiety that settles in the moment you hear "you're going to hollywood", and it just accumulates with every cut that you survive. And that is the mode you learn to exist in, survival. First there is the pressure of making an impact, giving it everything you have to give, standing out, being the best you that you can be, making mistakes, recovering, making eye contact, making a connection and then you wait for the verdict, the waiting is the hardest part, then comes the "you're through to the next round" sheer relief, the excitement, gratitude and the hope of what could be, and then next comes the "how do I do it again?" and then you see your friends that you just made get eliminated, you wonder how in the world you made it and they didn't, you say goodbye and they go home, and so it goes, week after week after week after week.... until it's over. Or so you think...
Anywho there was this particular moment that Dave and I often revisit. It was the last day of Hollywood week, I had made the cut into the last and final round. All there was to do was to try to get some sleep, wake up the next day and wait to hear my name as part of the final 50. Sleeping isn't an easy task in this given scenario. Dave had come to take me to dinner that night, we went to Hot Wings cafe. It was a relief to go escape for a bit, to get some fresh air and take a break from all of it. I had no appetite all week, and there we sat as I tried to eat a few chicken wings and carrot sticks and then I remember Dave saying "Can you believe this is really happening? I mean, could you imagine if you made it to the Top 50?!" In that moment, just making the Top 50 was almost an unobtainable thought. It was huge, and just the thought of it, the Hope for what could be consumed the both of us. We could have never been prepared for what the future would hold. Looking back now, I wouldn't have believed it if you'd told me that I would make it all the way to the Top 5. I still can't, sometimes random strangers will approach me and apologize that I didn't make it farther, I almost have to laugh, I reassure them that there is no need to be sorry, I'm not, I went from waiting my first audition for over 20 hours in Philadelphia, and out of nearly 105,000 people that auditioned nationwide for season 7 I was one of the last 5 standing. WOW!!! I still get a kick out of it and have to remind myself that it was real. I am humbled by the thought and grateful... because the reason I got to stay was because of you...
The reason I get to keep going is because of you. Coming off the show there is this great unknown, you existed in a bubble for so long that it is hard to mentally grasp that for week after week you sang in the living rooms of literally millions upon millions of people. People that cheered for you, loved you and voted for you and helped you to your dream. It is so much bigger than you can even comprehend. There is a hopeful optimism. You will never be the same, your life will never be the same. You have just seen the top of Mount Everest, but... you don't get to stay. As time goes by you try to figure out what is next, where you belong, how you are going to make the most of what you've been given. I like to refer to this phase at P.I.T. "Post Idol Trauma". I joke but i'm serious. Somehow you find a way to get out of the P.I.T. and start back at base camp and you get back to climbing, and you climb, and you climb and it gets real and it get's hard. That spotlight begins to slowly fade and you wonder how you are going to continue to shine, how you will keep climbing, how you are going to not fall. You think back to that moment where you had allowed yourself to dream about what might have been, now you're living it and it surprises you that those moments when you would wait to hear "you've made it to the next round" still exist, but you're not on a TV show anymore, you're in the real world now. There are few of us that get to go on and be Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson. But we all get a real chance, and it all depends on what we make of it... I'm not the richest or most famous, but the phone rings, I write songs, make records, perform on stages, I'm a girl with glasses and shoot... I even got to act in a made for TV movie, I work and I'm grateful...
There is life after American Idol, and a story that continues to be written. But what I've found is that it all comes down to connecting. Making a truly lasting connection with people through the expression of music, and that is exactly what will sustain me through every "round". In a business obsessed with statistics and numbers and popularity and instant results it can be hard to not let it get you down. But, at this point in my life and career, I shifted my focus, I care about quality, about consistency and about the steady and day to day connection that I have with you, my fans. And my fans are of the most genuine quality. Almost three years has past and I am in awe that so many of you have stuck around, you listen to my songs on your ipod, some of you send me tweets every single day, you know who you are and I know who you are. Your support and encouragement keep me going, and I just wanted you to know just how valuable it is to me.
I've got more songs in the making, nearly 20 actually... really it's hard to keep them to myself, cause I write them for you, can't wait for you to hear them:)
